Infertile? Tips to Survive Christmas

The lead up to Christmas should be a joyous time for most Australians. However, for those struggling to conceive a child, Christmas can be nothing more than a painful reminder of things lost... or never had.

According to IVF Australia, infertility is a common problem affecting some 15 per cent of the community.

"While the grief associated with miscarriage is beginning to be recognised, society still has a long way to go towards acknowledging the grief of the infertile couple" says Loretta Walford, relationship therapist at Sydney-based Ameliorate. "Christmas often heightens this grief with its focus on family and children."

According to Ms Walford, infertile couples can reach breaking point at this time of the year. "Many infertile couples painstakingly manage to keep their spirits up over Mother's Day and Father's Day by focusing on their own parent's special day. They may go away for the weekend or with great hope count the days to the next scheduled IVF attempt," she says. "But their resolve to keep their spirits up can reach breaking point at Christmas with concerts, television programs and shopping centres constantly reinforcing happy families and children."

According to Ms Walford, there a ways an infertile couple can survive this bittersweet time of the year. "While many people stoically throw themselves into work this only temporarily numbs the pain and risks alienating your partner," she says. "Instead, allow yourself time to grieve but them take time to make some positive changes. "By creating a positive focus and looking to the future, by indulging and nurturing yourself and the children in your life, you just might surprise yourself and enjoy the Christmas season."

Ms Walford has developed a checklist to help infertile couples negotiate their way through the festive season.

1. Don't distance yourself from the children in your life
Go ahead, indulge in playing the generous aunt or uncle. While it may not compare to having excited little voices in your own home, this Christmas still enjoy shopping for children's gifts. Indulge in the shrieking sounds of your nieces, nephews and friends' children unwrapping the presents you so lovingly chose for them.

2. Buy a gift for a child in need.
Take a couple of tags from the Christmas tree in your local shopping centre or choose a charity you'd like to send a couple of children's gifts too. Make an event of it, enjoy shopping for the gift, choosing it, having it wrapped or wrapping it yourself, putting that tag on it. Visualise that little boy or girl's smile as he or she opens that Christmas present from you. Remember, ‘what goes around comes around'. There is as much (or even more) joy in giving as there is in receiving.

3. Have a "pity-party for 1" for 10 minutes every day
Take time to feel sorry for yourself. Do all your sad reflecting and crying during these 10 minutes. You might even decide to continue with this technique throughout the year. You can gradually cut the time down to five minutes and one day you might find you no longer need your ‘pity-party'.

4. Keep a journal and write in it every day.
If you haven't started a journal yet, now might be a good time. Remember, "What's out is no longer in." Expressing your feelings in a journal can be very therapeutic. If you are drawn more towards pictures rather than words, draw your feelings in your journal.

5. Nurture yourself.
You yearn so much for the touch of those loving little hands. At this time of year especially, treat yourself to the indulgence of being touched. Perhaps a facial, a body massage or some reflexology.

6. Start connecting.
If you have stopped talking with your partner about your future plans because your infertility is an issue too large to stumble over, see if you can start connecting the way you used to. Go out for a candle-lit dinner, a walk on the beach in the sunset. Connect with yourself first and this will help you re-connect with your partner.

7. Make some choices.
As we get to the end of the year and the start of the New Year, spend time with yourself to discover what your life purpose is. For those of you who sadly are at the end of an unsuccessful IVF journey, now might be a good time to look at your options. Remember life is full of choices and yes, whilst you may not be able to choose to have your own biological child, it might be time to consider how you can add to your family and at the same time bring untold joy into the life of an adopted child or foster child.

8. Nurture.
For those of you for whom adopting or fostering is not an option, try and find some other purpose in your life apart from the longed for joy of being a parent. How else can you satisfy your need to nurture?

9. What is your Life's purpose?
Ask yourself that question when you go to bed at night. Expect to get an answer. Notice the signposts around you everyday. What are they telling you? Do you need to go back to studying? Try for local or overseas adoption? Would you be good as a foster parent? Should you throw yourself into your career?

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